02 March 2007

Studiare Ad Nauseam

Yeah, I anticipated but never really believed I would say that this whole experience is finally claiming the last of my nerves up to fibre level. I am sick of studying, sick of work, sick of the dependability on work, sick of my full calendar always looming somewhere in the back of my head, sick of London (oooh, this is really bad, as so. once said, "Whoever is tired of London, is tired of life"). See the following list of things:

_ Most of the problems emerged when I finally started working under pressure to pay my rent. At first I worked three days a week (God only knows how I managed that, I had a 50-hour week), and after I threatened to leave the company, negotiated two days a week. Just to illustrate: I have heard from someone who works only six hours a week and is already struggling.

_ SOAS workload is above the average workload of a lot of other universities, as I have mentioned often before. The last three lectures in TECD required ~100 pages (!) per week (!!) which is already a strain if you are not working part-time. And since I didn't have the study pack then, it took even more time and energy to chase down articles if available at all and print them (I bought it, I'll tell you how the study pack causa ended another time).

_ So far, I am behind with reading and probably will have to use the Easter Holidays to catch up on dev (luckily my essay topic coincides with the 100-pages topic), theory in anthro (I have already started to do one past reading per week) and - oh my God - SEA GP.

_ I don't know what it is with SEA GP but either I will fail at the exam unintentionally or I will fail deliberately in order to study the whole summer and do it damn right in autumn. Oh how I hate that subject and regret taking it.

_ Simultaneously, I have to write two essays in anthro over Easter.

_ I so wanted to do the British Red Cross Desaster Response Challenge which is the opportunity of a lifetime! Problem: Time and network to raise the 500 £ I am expected to pledge as donation for the BRC. So maybe next year. You know, I actually consider a career in the humanitarian sector and it would therefore additionally broadening your knowledge about desaster relief work it would also tell me if I want to do sth like that or not.

_ Also I am sick of chasing down errands.

_ Due to the fact, that I am under so much pressure, I am always tense. The smallest thing can irritate me very fast. This is also why this city drives me crazy. London is a very loud city, there is always a sirene, a fire alarm, a warning sign (bus/tube), the sound of the struggling motor of a doubledecker, a hooter, a security announcement, a f***ing and drum&bass-listening neighbour, a girl laughing in a pitched and hysterical voice or a guy laughing so loud it pierces your ears.

_ This all influences my appetite. Obviously, I have to eat something everyday but I don't have any appetite to do so. I am sick of Tescos, Waitroses and Sainsburies where shelve upon shelve they sell their self-made products and offer the same range of food. I am sick of pastries, paninis (I could make you any of Starbucks' and Caffè Neros' paninis in my sleep) and the smell of freshly baked white bread. I look at food, I look at the breads on offer and am overcome by nausea.

_ Everytime I think about my future career I wish I hadn't because it adds to the stress. I should do some relevant work for the course I am studying (that means either unpaid or underpaid) during the summer or after but don't know when or how. I despair.

I really just want to take my diary, the manifestation of life as I currently experience it, and give it to someone else or throw it into the Thames. I want to get out of this city, out of this hell, to put things into perspective, I want to go to the countryside for a hike or take a stroll through a museum just to clear my head. Sometimes I find myself doing that even if I should be doing something more productive but if I wouldn't, I would implode!

2 courageous comments!:

Anonymous said...

it sounds like a desperate student life in the worst case...

you are frighten me more and more to start my study there ->

hopefully, I won't get an offer...

Heidi Jahn said...

don't say that! you've done it before, moving somewhere else. and i am sure 90 % of international students are going through the same kind of phase sooner or later.

i am trying to take a step back at the moment and seems to relax me (or maybe it is just my homeopathic pills). been around a bit as you see in the china town post.

cu hopefully soon!